Reckoned by Grace
The other night I experienced a Reckoning.
It started with a dream where I was in my car and out of nowhere another car was approaching from the side, with no sign of slowing down. Actually it was speeding up, as if they were intentionally coming for me. The car t-boned me and stayed on the gas, like a kind of vendetta. Important to note, this thought that entered my mind related to a recurring theme I will be touching on throughout this post.. There was an excitement that due to the incident, I would likely get an insurance claim which would help me escape the survival mode energy I have felt stuck in for a-lot of my adult life. I was eventually able to escape my car and the driver exited his and continued to pursue me, but with an axe in hand. I desperately evaded and defended his attempts to end me.
And then I woke up.
It turns out the driver was a good friend from when I was younger that sadly transitioned a few years back. There was a period of our lives where we were close, we were solid buds, but then we drifted apart for various reasons. Life happened. When he passed, I missed his funeral because “life was happening”, I was distracted, caught in survival mode you could say and I had carried some guilt because of that, for not prioritizing his funeral and honouring him in a bigger way.
After waking up I was overtaken by emotion, it was the beginning of what felt like a xmas eve Scrooge experience.
I was then systematically taken through many different relationships in my life, family members, old friends, people I had a special relationship with and then drifted apart from. Flooded by old memories that I hadn’t had access to in quite some time, that felt locked away, I was graced with the opportunity to really feel into them and grieve them, for all the unexpressed Love.
It’s not that I necessarily did anything wrong but I’m also not here to self deprecate. I was hurt and wounded like all humans and I was surviving, doing the best I knew how in the moment. And growing apart from people is normal, it’s part of life.
This is more about ACKNOWLEDGING and OWNING the ways that I didn’t honour others in the way they deserved to be honoured. Those times I was lost in survival mode acting from my ego.
It felt like massive Reconciliation. And as I systematically revisited all these relationships, I was given the opportunity to practice Ho’oponopono with each memory I re-experienced.
This isn’t the same as having all those face to face encounters but the one that Truly needs Peace from all these encounters is OURSELVES. This is where it starts! That is our responsibility and we have the Power to Reconcile within, to learn from our past, for the times we were locked in the myopics of a more self serving mode of operation.
It felt immensely healing to release some of these deeply held feelings of guilt and regret, feelings that I abandoned or betrayed others.
This has been a recurring theme for me, a pattern that keeps surfacing and that I want more than anything to transform. To be less gripped by the seriousness of survival mode and to be more Present and Authentic with those I Love, which is to all who I encounter, really. To be more Present to Life.
I will still get distracted, I will still get caught up in busyness..
But my intention is to keep bringing it back to a place of Integrity by OWNING those times I dishonoured others through a lack of awareness, once I’ve been granted the awareness to do so!
And then having those important conversations that can be had.
PLEASE FORGIVE ME.
I LOVE YOU.
This experience ended with a flood of overwhelming Gratitude for my life and how Blessed and Fortunate I am. I am Blessed beyond belief with this life and this incredibly capable vessel I’ve been entrusted!
And because of that I feel I have a responsibility to this planet and all of its inhabitants. Because I’ve been so Blessed and Fortunate, i’m driven to realize the best possible version of myself, to be a man of Integrity and to not squander this opportunity. To make the most of this Miracle of Life I’ve been gifted.
TO LIFT OTHERS UP.
And to continually LIFT MYSELF UP off the ground every time I stumble and falter.
This may all sound like a lot of pressure..
So, to that I say..
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